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Mi Amore

They say love exists and that love is beautiful. But all my life, I’ve known love to be painful. If you love someone, you break their heart and cause them pain. If you love someone, you constantly put them on edge for them to prove their love for you. But that wasn’t the love story I had with her. When she walked into my life, I did not for a single second think that we’d come this far, that she’d mean so much to me. She came into my life and changed my entire belief in love. Sometimes I believe she changed my entire existential beliefs. The way she cared for me, the way her kind soul whispered to mine when I thought I was the most undeserving human in the universe. The way her smile made my insides wrench and my heart burst with so much joy. And her eyes, my God. Those two beautiful stars that made me want to spend another eternity with her. And her laughter, have you heard it? The melody that soothes me to sleep each night. I could go on and on about everything about her. About how graceful she is as she walks, about her unquitting spirit. About her pride and ego that neither allows anyone to step on her nor look down upon her. About her fighting spirit; the kinds that keeps me going day in, day out. About her strength and her belief that everyone is good enough and deserves kindness. But all I really wanna say is that I want this eternity and the next with her. Because she completes me in ways no one else ever has.

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Dear Darling

Dear darling, please excuse my writing

I can’t stop my hands from shaking

I miss you

I wonder if you do too.

 

I wonder if you remember the moments we spent together

When you’re seated in the bus, with the wind hitting your face, do you remember our road trips?

When you’re leaving work and it suddenly starts to rain, do you miss when we danced in the rain and let it wash all our sorrows away?

 

Dear darling, when you left, I thought I’d move on

I’m a strong, independent, young, black African woman, I always said

These are the same words you repeated to me as you left

Made me sing them till they were a part of me

But now, seems like the rain is washing that part of me away, little at a time

Recently, I started thinking about you

I don’t know if I hope you do too

Dear darling, I love you still.

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One night stand.

Its 1 a.m. again and I’m here typing furiously at my keyboard. Maybe I’m getting insomnia or maybe you’re just too much in my thoughts to give sleep any space. It was just one night but turns out to me it was something more; it was a connection of old souls, a rekindling of old love and an awakening of a lost spark. The way you shyly looked at me when I first noticed you sitting on the bar counter alone, lost in deep thought. The way your eyes were so heavy with sadness as you narrated your horrible breakup, even in your drunken state. The way that led to one of the warmest hugs I’ve ever received. The way your sleek fingers held my hand as I also shared my story and the way you oozed elegance with every step you took. I had you for just one night but it seemed like an eternity to me. My friends keep telling me that these emotions will be the end of me, but I never seem to listen. Look at me now, losing sleep over a one night stand. And writing about things I shouldn’t. I guess I’m just hoping these words reach to you and somehow bring you back.

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Beginnings..

That’s how it usually is with beginnings

And that’s why beginnings are usually tricky

You have no idea what you’re signing up for

But you hope against all hope that it’ll work out, eventually

 

Let’s ride the wave, you said

But what if the wave is too rough

What if the wind is too strong?

What if the tide throws us off balance?

What would we have to hold on to?

 

Let’s ride the wave, I concur

If it’s too rough, we’ll have each other

If it’s too strong, we’ll hold on to each other

If it tries to throw us off course, we’ll still have each other

Because we choose to hope against all hope

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Sugar, spice.

With you it was different

They warned me from the beginning

“Do not ask for what you can’t handle”

“Do not chew more than you can swallow”

But I dived in, oblivious to their words

I thought I’d be able to swim through the waters

But look at how much a puddle we’ve created.

I knew it’d be different

I had the feeling from the very beginning

“This is it, what I’d always been looking for”

“This is it, the heaven on earth we all wish for”

His intoxicating smell always filled me,

The deeper I dived, the deeper I drowned in it,

The deeper I drowned in him.

It’s in every way different

From the way he first looked at me in the beginning

From the way he wrapped his arms around me as I drowned in him

From the way he held me to sleep

From the way his voice soothed me to sleep.

It’s always been different

Right from the very beginning

But won’t you dance with me in this difference

Won’t you triumph with me over our uniqueness

Won’t you help me embrace this newness

‘coz there’s nothing I’d love more than to keep drowning in your essence.

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I’LL BE THERE.

There are days you’ll feel empty, there are days you’ll feel alone, and there are days you’ll feel broken. And truth is, I’ll still be here for you all these days even though you can’t do the same for me. Not because I’m strong enough, but because I know how it feels to be empty and alone and broken. I know how it feels to want someone but be all alone. I know how it feels to want to cry but have no tears. I know how it feels to want to let it all out, but have to keep it all in because of expectations from people. I know how it feels to be simply human but be expected to be more. To be expected to be strong despite the breaking force. And love, because I know all these, I’ll be here for you when you need someone. I’ll be here for you when you wanna cry, and I’ll be here for you at 3 a.m. when you can’t sleep because your heart’s bleeding so much it hurts. I’ll be here for you, ALWAYS.

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ALL I GOT.

Finally I downed all my sorrow in sugar and pills

All the heartbreak, the pain, the self condemnation

And hoped I’d feel better

But you told me I won’t

You’d said that I need to talk to someone if I wanted to get better

Said that I needed professional help and that if I did not let it out it would kill me in the end

But this was just me

Putting on a facade and showing people what they wanted

Excellent at hiding, terrible at being real

Terrible at being real to the world, to you, to myself

Afraid that they’d judge me

You said that it shouldn’t matter coz you’ll be there for me no matter what

That you would never judge me so I shouldn’t worry

Today I mastered the courage to tell you a little of who exactly I was

But all I got from you was a ‘hello’

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ICE CREAM.

The reason I didn’t give up today

the reason I held on for so long

was because I thought we had tomorrow,

but you had different plans.

 

The reason why despite you leaving,

I  still held on to the hope that you’d still come back

was because you said you would

but now you prove otherwise.

 

Trust once drawn down can’t be erected back anymore

You tore down the trust we built

Now we’re walking on debris

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The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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